Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Let God Give
I hope to continue my thoughts on romanticism soon. But I must share an enlightening experience. It was a moment when God, in his resounding glory, graciously encouraged me. He reminded me of his presence and his determination to be apart of my life. Theses moments could be quickly forgotten, yet I engrave them onto a stone (hypothetically – I really just write them down) and add them to my Joshua pile of memorial stones.
As you know, I have been searching for a job. I followed my husband up to Illinois, in order for him to attend seminary, a benefit not just for him or me, but (Lord willingly) for those we will serve in the future. Many things are aligning on his end, the job, the school schedule (PTL). Yet, I still wait for God to align things on my end, a job in particular would be nice. I have been fortunate to have a few interviews. Interviews are tough for me. I lament, literally, before each interview, ensuring that God knows he is invited, expected, to attend. Each time he is faithful. I return from the interview and again pour out my heart. I continue to insistently ask him to close the door on any position not of his will. It is a fear of mine to be out of God’s will, because I ultimately fear failure…which is a guarantee outside of God’s will. I have continued to say, “Not my will, but yours”…I shout “Take it away”. Yet, God in his grace and love for me has not closed the door, he continues to open it. I feel like I am walking down a long hallway of doorways. I have uncertainty in myself, yet he continues to open door after door. Yesterday, I returned from an interview, understanding that it would be likely that the position would be formally offered soon, and again I say, “Not my will but yours.” That is when he said something like, “You have mastered accepting my will when it involves me taking from you, but what about receiving. Let me give to you.” My heart felt his love, and understood his frustration. I am sure parents delight in a child’s submission, yet they also live (literally earn an income) to bless their child. I am God’s child, his “income” is Christ (which was not a life earned, but a life given).
I am unsure which door will open next, but a giving God does. Yes, he requests, he earnestly desires and hopes, for us to submit unto his will, yet he also asks us to receive his blessings. There are seasons when you may find yourself in a hallway like mine. It may not be a job search, it may be another decision involving relationships, ministry or finances. In those time, it is important to walk with God. In his presence all uncertainty will fade. Fear may not go away immediately, but as your spend more time with God, your emotions will change and you will be enabled to be present and choose his will. Then you will know when a door is closing, and when He is indeed opening another.